I discovered my voice after abandoning a 248,000 word novel
How a failed book project lead me back to music… and singing.
In 2021, I started writing a book. It was a grand sci-fi adventure over two hundred thousand words and almost 1000 pages. For a year, I got up at 5am to write for an hour or two. In the end, it was a wild, sprawling mess. Though some parts of it I loved, I realised that writing books wasn’t for me.
I really did go all out for this project.
I hired an incredible artist (Carles Gomila) to do the book cover. Additionally, I had invested in getting a good editor (who was disappointed that I had stopped after already editing half the book). I had committed myself fully to the writing of this project, only to realise it’s not what I really wanted to do.
So after 248,000 words what changed?
The writing part was… surprisingly easy. In many ways, it was a joy. It was a creative outlet, a way of expressing myself to a degree I’ve never done before. There were moments of raw emotion and even epiphany. And yet, something was missing.
The work was done in almost complete isolation - my comfort zone. I’ve strived to be self-sufficient, independent my whole life. And discipline is second nature. The covid lockdowns were no sweat for me, since it seemed the world just adjusted to my way of living. But after living that way for so long, I didn’t want to continue.
It gets fucking lonely.
At the same time, my mind drifted back to my messy draft. There was a character, named Aidan, a teenager who had died early on in the novel. I liked the character and his story, so I picked up a guitar (after a long hiatus) and composed a simple song.
I eventually wrote down lyrics. The song comes from the perspective of his father, then his sister, during Aidan’s funeral:
Aidan
Where are the books and the stories,
That this heart knows is true?
Is there any way to name this?
Are words ever enough for you?
Bright as the sun, lights my path
Sure as the sky is blue
Shine like stars on my dark nights
Aidan is that you?
See the world from your shoulders
Love as far as the eye can see
Dark clouds surround us now
Why are you so far away from me?
Bright as the sun, lights my path
Sure as the sky is blue
Shine like stars on my dark nights
Aidan is that you?
Bright as the sun, lights my path
As sure as the sky is blue
Shine like stars on my dark nights
Aidan is that you?
I smiled. I had the lyrics; the song was complete. Perhaps the book project wasn’t as fruitless as I had thought? But there was still something missing. Someone had to sing it. I certainly didn’t want to, I hated my voice. But it was my song, and it somehow had to be my voice.
So began my journey to learn how to sing.
I decided to try a well known singing coach who trained the ‘stars’. That, however, nearly sank me before I even got started. They told me that watching me sing was painful but if I committed to a year worth of lessons, I could be set right.
After taking a breather, I finally found a quirky vocal coach originally from Slovenia, and it was just what I needed.1 It took a lot of time, and several misfires. There were times I over practiced and blew out my voice. We worked through numerous vocal and technical difficulties.
After a few months in, I introduced my song Aidan into the vocal practice. I couldn’t even play the guitar and sing at the same time, I just sang it to a background recording. We worked through the song for several months. I dropped the guitar tuning 1 and 1/2 steps, then I raised again, before raising it another step.2 The song both infuriated and utterly delighted me. And somewhere during the process I learned to play the guitar and sing at the same time.
Since then, I’ve written nearly 40 songs - but Aidan has a special spot being the first song I’ve written and sung. It’s the first song I’ve sung live to an audience, and its become a regular on my livestreams. 3
And just for substack, here’s a quick demo of Aidan performed at my own “tiny desk”:
Finally, a bonus. Here is one of the chapters referring to the character of Aidan in my unpublished novel. It’s the final chapter in Aidan’s life:
Chapter 9: Jolly Daintive
Owen held the drone to his chest. It was Aidan’s.
When Aidan was 10, Owen often took him to his work place. Aidan loved being around the gadgets. Owen had just fixed a mid 21st century drone. The drone had a nameplate which stated The Jolly Debacle.
Aidan pointed at the name. “What’s that mean?”
“It means everything and nothing at all. That’s the joy of naming things.” Owen answered. “Thought Jolly would be a good name for drone. In old times, pirates had a flag called the Jolly Rogers. But Jolly by itself felt a bit lonely. So I consulted the authority.”
Owen thumped down a large blue book.
Oxford English Dictionary - Second Edition - Vol IV - Creel - Duzepere
Aidan looked at it with awe. “Does it have pictures?”
“Not the kind of pictures you are thinking of, boyo. But yes it does have pictures. It’s a book of words - pictures for your mind. “ Owen tapped his index finger on the side of his head.
“So boyo, to name things, there’s a special process we must follow. We close our eyes, open the book, and twirl our finger, and it lands on a word. That’s how it landed on debacle. Here let me show you.”
He opened the book, twirled his finger and pointed to the definition.
Aidan read it aloud.
“2. A sudden breaking up or downfall; a confused rush or rout, a stampede.”
“Very good, boyo. That’s how we name things.” Owen said.
Aidan eyes lit up. “Dad, can I name something?”
Owen held his chin. “Hrmm. Well it so happens I just fixed another drone yesterday.” Owen picked up a large silver drone. “She’s a beauty.”
“Oh Daddy let me name it!” Aidan shouted.
“Ok Aidan. But you must take a solemn oath to name things. It’s serious business.” Owen said. “You think you are ready for such a responsibility?”
Aidan looked earnest. “I am.”
“Ok boyo. Raise your left hand” Owen commanded.
The boy complied. Owen held the book in front of Aidan.
“Place your right hand on the sacred text of the English language” Owen continued.
Aidan gently placed his hand on the worn cover.
“Aidan Quente Krasny - do you solemnly swear to give things their true names, the full true name, and nothing but their true name, so help you God?”
Aidan was silent. Owen whispered to him “Hey boyo, this is were you say I do.”
Aidan stammered “Oh.. I do.”
“By the powers divested to me by the Oxford English Department, I declare you, Aidan Quente Krasny, a true namer of things, neophyte level.” Owen concluded.
Aidan remained silent.
Owens voice boomed. “Congratulations, you get to name the drone now!”
Aidan beamed with excitement. Owen handed him the book. “Do you remember how to do it, or do ya need a refresher course?”
Aidan replied with a sing-song voice Of course I remember.
Aidan took the book. He closed his eyes and carefully opened the book. With his left hand he supported the book while his right finger danced in the air. His finger softly landed on a page.
“Let’s see watchya got there.” Owen observed.
Aidan read it aloud. “Daintive. It means dainty?”
“Ah a delightful name! Now, just follow the clues - go to Dainty.” Owen helped the boy find the definition.
Aidan looked at it “There are so many definitions, how do I know the right one?”
Owen said “You are now the true namer of things. It can hold which ever meaning you decide. Even all of them.”
Aidan slowly read through all the definitions. “I really like this one.”
“Liking or fondness to do or see anything; delight, pleasure, joy”
Aidan smiled “Daintive. it even looks a bit like my name. Let’s call it the Jolly Daintive!”
“Well done” Owen responded. “You are really good at this.”
Owen processed a plastic name plate. He sprayed adhesive on the back, and handed it to the boy.
“Do the honours, Aidan” Owen handed him the plate. Aidan proudly glued the name plate on.
“Can we fly the Jolly Daintive now?” Aidan asked.
“Don’t see why not. Lets go boyo!”
--
Owen looked out the stormnest.
Somehow these cruel times still found moments of kindness. The doctors and nurses allowed Aidan to die naturally instead of pumping chemicals to extend his life a few more hours.
Krisante got the boy’s ashes. Everyone was supposed to be cremated and buried in the Memorial Garden. But Krisante pulled strings and got his ashes. Who knows how? Maybe she told them the ashes were radioactive. Didn’t matter.
It was a kindness.
Owen had placed Aidan’s ashes in the drone. It was just them there. Rosalyn, Midnight, Krisante, and Flear.
They didn’t say anything. They had already said all the words. It was time for goodbye.
Owen gave the drone to Midnight. She climbed a small ladder to reach the vent window. The large drone barely fit. Owen switched on the machine.
The Jolly Daintive drifted outside for its final voyage. It sailed with ease and grace. The soft vernal sun glittered on its silvery skin.
There.
Owen walked over to the family. He put his hand out, they piled there hands on top of his. All eyes on the drone. Owen lowered the stack of hands unto the tablet.
The Jolly Daintive released the ashes from its cargo bay. A plume of light grey smoke billowed beneath for a few seconds.
“May the clouds be seeded with your love, Aidan.” Owen finally said.
The last fluttering of ash dissipated.
Owen pressed his tablet to turn off the power. The Jolly Daintive ceased hovering and descended into the clouds below.
“Goodbye boyo” Owen whispered “goodbye.”
There are others who have helped me too; they worth mentioning and recommending. I took a lesson from Sterling Jackson; he was a kind, patient teacher, who boosted my confidence at time when I really needed it. Also, Jean McClelland - she specialises in the Alexander Technique and I had remarkable experiences with her zoom sessions.
Below is a 10-second clip of the intro from my original guitar only demo. A second guitar plays the harmonics, and the guitars are tuned down 3 1/2 steps from standard tuning. It also uses a second guitar for harmonics. The future recorded version will also feature additional instruments. I currently use this demo for my text ringtone:
For a quick, fun story, read this account when I first played Aidan to my wife.
I was surprised and sad when you abandoned the book project. I was always looking forward to hearing the new chapters and wanted to know where the journey the characters would take. Those chapter reading sessions will always be a fond memory of mine.
Adding the songs to the story was like icing on the cake. I fell in love with the song "Aidan" and it will always hold a special place in my heart.
Finding the right vocal coach was definitely not easy for you... a lot of perseverance and I don't take no for an answer. That is what I admire...not giving up, looking forward and always seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
You inspire me.